Mom Guilt!

I think that every parent has felt that guilty feeling before.  Have you told yourself any of these things?  ”I’m not doing enough.  I’m not doing as well as I should be.  I get burnt out quicker than I should.  Why can’t I be more patient with my kids?  Am I doing anything unknowingly that could be doing a disservice to my kids? My house should be cleaner.  My house is too clean; I should spend less time cleaning and more time with my kids.  I should be better at coming up with educational things to do as a family.  I can’t balance my responsibilities and my motherly duties as well as other people seem to.  Am I a “fun” parent?  How do I know if I’m meeting my kids’ emotional needs?”  The list goes on and on and on.

 

For me, most of these things cross my mind on a fairly regular basis.  Being pregnant, slightly anemic and due in less than 2 months, I have suffered from an extreme lack of energy.  Being busy with my 2 boys, I frequently question my abilities to keep up once boy #3 arrives.  My friends and family know that I constantly suffer with the “mom guilt” of not feeling accomplished enough and that I don’t have the energy I should to spend playing with my kids.  These days, just getting the laundry washed and put away seems to be an insurmountable task.  In addition to the house tasks being more of a drain, winter here in Minnesota seems to be hanging around for longer than usual, which makes it a more daunting task to get outside regularly with the kids.  We’ve all got a case of cabin fever, and I think all of us parents do the BEST we can with what we’ve got to offer ALL of the time.  So, one morning as I was looking at Facebook, I came across this gem, which was just a status that spread like wildfire written by a man named Marshall Miller.  

 

“Dear Mom On the iPhone,

 I see you over there on the bench, messing on your iPhone. It feels good to relax a little while your kids have fun in the sunshine, doesn’t it? You are doing a great job with your kids, you work hard, you teach them manners, have them do their chores.

 But Momma, let me tell you what you don’t see right now…..

 Your little girl is spinning round and round, making her dress twirl. She is such a little beauty queen already, the sun shining behind her long hair. She keeps glancing your way to see if you are watching her.

You aren’t.

 Your little boy keeps shouting, “Mom, MOM watch this!” I see you acknowledge him, barely glancing his way.

He sees that too. His shoulders slump, but only for a moment, as he finds the next cool thing to do.

Now you are pushing your baby in the swing. She loves it! Cooing and smiling with every push. You don’t see her though, do you? Your head is bent, your eyes on your phone as you absently push her swing.

Talk to her. Tell her about the clouds, Mommy. The Creator who made them. Tickle her tummy when she comes near you and enjoy that baby belly laugh that leaves far too quickly.

 Put your eyes back on your prize…Your kids.

 Show them that they are the priority. Wherever you are, be ALL there. I am not saying it’s not ok to check in on your phone, but it’s a time-sucker: User Beware!

 Play time at the park will be over before you know it.

 The childhood of your children will be gone before you know it.

 They won’t always want to come to the park with you, Mommy. They won’t always spin and twirl to make their new dress swish, they won’t always call out, “WATCH ME!”

 There will come a point when they stop trying, stop calling your name, stop bothering to interrupt your phone time.

Because they know…

You’ve shown them, all these moments, that the phone is more important than they are. They see you looking at it at while waiting to pick up brother from school, during playtime, at the dinner table, at bedtime…..

 I know that’s not true, Mommy.

 I know your heart says differently.

 But your kids can’t hear your words, Mommy. Your actions are screaming way too loudly.

May our eyes rest upon those we love, first and foremost, and may everything else fall away in the wonderful, noisy, sticky-fingered glory of it all.”

 

So after reading this, my initial reaction was more GUILT.  And based on a lot of the comments on this post that I saw, I was not the only one who felt this way.  Some of the best moms I know shared my sudden and overwhelming feelings of guilt!  I do this!  I HAVE IGNORED MY KIDS to play on my PHONE!! I should just get rid of this iPhone.  Or at least Facebook, and all the games that I waste time playing.  The kids will only be little once!  I am missing it!! OH MY GOSH!  Aaaaaggghhhh!!  (Overwhelming, right!?)

 

But then I had a second feeling.  I was mad!  Who is this guy to judge me, or any of my wonderful mommy or daddy friends?  I mean, I totally get that this guy’s main objective here was simply to raise awareness for parents who aren’t as “plugged in” as they should be, but I also really think that this is exactly what’s flaming our mom guilt fires!  The judgment of others is like the lighter fluid on the already overbearing flames.  So what!?  You might be sitting there at the park when I’m there with my kids, and the whole reason we’re there is so mommy can get a stinkin’ break!  Maybe I’m having a bad day!  Maybe my kids have been acting up, or maybe I just don’t feel well.  You have no idea if I’m a single mom who is desperately trying to keep my head above water.  Maybe I was just in a car accident, or am suffering from depression because I just suffered a miscarriage.  Maybe the reason I’m on the phone is because the bank is trying to foreclose on my house.  You don’t know if my husband got hurt at work, if my father just died, or if the three kids at the park with me weren’t all my kids… maybe the 4^th is in the hospital right now and I am just desperately trying to keep my kids distracted and happy.  Maybe I am required to answer emails from work around the clock if I want to keep my job, and keep feeding my family.

 

I could keep going, but you get my drift.  Let’s join together in building each other up, and not make assumptions about other people or other parents.  Chances are, everyone is doing the best they can, and you’re certainly not going to help anything by adding more guilt to the guilt they likely already are consumed with.  And on the other side of the coin, as parents, we need to remind ourselves that YES, they are only little once.  Before we know it, we will blink and they’ll be grown up and gone.  But you know what?  We deserve breaks from time to time.  We are people too.  Our kids need to learn that they cannot always be our sole focus.  They need to learn that we matter too, and that we deserve space and peace sometimes.  We can’t take care of them the right way until we take care of ourselves first… and if your way of unwinding is to play a nerdy and unproductive game on your phone at the park… I say “go for it!” 

Am I “Mom Enough?”

This is a question that I struggle with on a daily basis.  I’m sure on some level many other moms struggle with this as well.  Especially nowadays with things like Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter and Instagram, it is so easy for us to compare ourselves to everyone’s highlight reel.  Compare our insides with everyone else’s outsides.  Any random day, I can pull up my page and check out what everyone else is up to.  Which to be honest, is something I truly enjoy.  But take that particular afternoon that here I am, 4pm, somehow still in pajamas since there hasn’t yet been time for a shower, my house is a dump.  My kids are running around screaming like maniacs and I quickly I am reminded that while we had PB&Js, pretzels and an apple for lunch, some “super mom” has posted pictures of her specially-prepared, gluten-free, organic meal and used a melon baller and some other wonderful mystery tools (foreign to me) to prepare a fruit plate for her kids that puts Edible Arrangements to shame.  Oh and of course, I look in the background of the picture and her kitchen is spotless, kids are smiling and… well, you know what I mean.  I just get that “I’m not good enough” feeling. 

It is so hard to find a good balance between all the duties of motherhood.  And for me, right now, being pregnant, I have even less energy than usual and things seem to take twice as long to get done.  If today, I spend too much time cleaning, I feel guilty that I didn’t spend enough quality time with the kids. (Not like that “other mom” that did awesome crafts and took her kids to story hour at the library.)  So then tomorrow, I spend time and take the kids outside to build a snowman and do fingerpainting… but now I feel crappy because my house is a mess!  Why can’t I just get it together?? Wake up, cook 3 wonderful meals, read books, do crafts, learn about nature while still having a sparkling clean and organized home?  I mean, that’s how it seems every OTHER mother is!  (At least when I look at their highlight reels.)

Why do I do this to myself?! It is undoubtedly insecurity based.  I mean, honestly… Someone always has a bigger, more beautiful home than I do.  Someone always seems to have happier or better-behaved kids, more friends, better looks, a cleaner house, nicer cars, a better marriage, or they just seem to be able to stretch the same 24 hours in a day that we all have much further than I can.  Or, on the flip side of the coin, I can use other people to feel better about myself.  “Oh, wow I can’t believe she brought those kids to McDonalds again!” or “Oh well I’m glad I’m not out making a fool out of myself like they are in this picture.” But WHY do I do this??? And why do I feel like anyone else’s business is any of mine anyway?  Why is it so necessary to compare, compare, compare!?? (Tell me I’m not alone here!!)

Not only is it unnecessary, it is unkind and unfair, both to me, and to others. Perfectionism is one of my biggest personal struggles, and sadly, it is a concept which is completely, 100% unattainable.  I am so blessed to have found this out about myself, and slowly am beginning to let some of this stuff go a little bit. Because ultimately, chasing an impossible goal is simply setting myself up to fail and feel miserable.  Feeling good about who I am is not going to come from comparing myself to everyone else. It simply HAS to come from within.  So now, I’ll be spending a little less time cleaning, and a little more time being a fun, loving mom;  A little less time worrying, and a little more time trusting God and His plan for my life; A little less time comparing, and a little more time being thankful for what I have. 

Moderate Couponing – How to save what you spend with little time or effort!

We’ve heard about all the hype, and some of us have seen the show, Extreme Couponing.  Coupons!  They save us money on the things we buy every day.  And why not use them?  We could all use a few extra bucks in our pocket, especially with the economy the way that it is today.  Well, for the longest time I didn’t bother with them.  I worked and had enough money, and even when the kids came along I didn’t think coupons were worth the time or the hassle.  Or when I did clip them, I’d forget them, and if I happened to remember to stick them in my purse, and then remember again to pull them out when it was time to check out, I always felt awful being one of “those people” holding up the line with my coupons, with people behind me rolling their eyes as the cashier pointed out that the coupon I had wasn’t specifically for the item that I had picked out.  Ugh, forget it!! Right!?? WRONG.

Times have changed in my family.  My husband and I thought it would be best for me to be able to stay at home and raise our boys while attempting to live on his salary alone. We decided that we could still pay our bills, eat well and put gas in the vehicles, but I might as well forget ever buying anything nice for myself or getting my hair or nails done.  But, I’m a pretty low maintenance chick so I figured that wouldn’t be such a big deal.  But being home day and night 24/7 tending to kids over time can really wear a gal down.  I needed a treat every now and again, not to mention my husband and I really wanted to start paying bills off a little more quickly and start enjoying some date nights out once in a while!  Something had to change.  That was about a year and a half ago, when I first saw the show on TLC, Extreme Couponing. 

Every episode was pretty similar.  The audience is introduced to the “Couponer” who would describe in great detail how they gather coupons and spend 30-50 hours per week organizing the coupons and advertisements, and some even scouting out the different stores in the area, sometimes multiple times a week for a good deal.  Then, on the day of the “shop,” they’d go to the store with a stack (and I mean a STACK) of coupons, like $10 cash, and buy like $1000 of stuff.  Often times, you’d see them buy 100 packs of gum, 50 tubes of toothpaste, tons of barbeque sauce or sport drinks by the dozens that they don’t even like.  So I knew that as awesome as some of these deals were, my family could not live on toothpaste and gum, nor was I willing to have a basement stockpiled with tons of food, OR spend that much time or energy away from my family to put into this. I was going to have to find a happy medium.  I was not cut out to be an Extreme Couponer. 

 

So, let’s fast forward about a year.  After spending some time finding out what works well for me, I put in about an hour a week clipping and preparing, and here’s what it boils down to…

1. I save what I spend.  Nothing extravagant, but if I spend $50, I save $50.  I get $100 worth of food for half the price.
2. I don’t buy anything we don’t need or want.
3. I do not have a massive, unnecessary stockpile taking up valuable space in our home.
4. I refuse to eliminate food that we need just because I don’t have a coupon for it.

Maybe you’re like me and you want to start saving some money, but you don’t really know where to begin.  I have people ask me all the time how I do it.  So that is what I’m about to share with all of you!  There are many different ways to coupon, and I’d be writing for days if I were to touch on all of them, so I will just tell you how I do things and you can take it or leave it. Remember, these 10 tips are beginner tips for those of you who would like to be a MODERATE couponer.  I’m not too hard core.

 

1. Number one rule… coupons are like cash.  Even if you save just $1 every time you go shopping, that will add up.  If you’re using coupons, you’re doing better than you were before. It takes time to get good at this.  Don’t get discouraged!
2. Get the Sunday paper.  Clip the coupons for the stuff that YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO BUY. The reason this is important is that you don’t want to be buying random things because you have a coupon, you want to try NOT to buy the things you want until you HAVE a coupon.   Occasionally I will go online to a coupon site and print some there as well. If that week’s newspaper has a lot of coupons for things that you buy, go buy another one!  Why not have a few extra coupons if you know you’re going to use them?
3. Get a way to file them.  I started by using a 3 ring binder with baseball card holder inserts, but that was WAY too time-consuming to file and then discard the unused coupons.  I ended up going with two mini-expanding files that I got from the dollar bins at Target.  I stapled them together, that way I had twice the storage slots in the same small file space.  Label each slot with a type of item to be purchased (Canned goods, frozen, paper, dairy, cereal, etc.)
4. Pick one or two stores to focus on.  More than that becomes very time consuming, and confusing for the beginner.  My theory: Pick a store and rock it.  You’ll get familiar with one store much more quickly than if you try to tackle many at once. My pick here in Minnesota is Rainbow Foods.
5. Get the ad for that week for the store.  Go online or call the store and make sure to familiarize yourself with that stores’ coupon policy.  Will they accept an expired coupon?  How many identical coupons will they allow per transaction?  How many transactions will they allow a person to make? Do they have a customer appreciation card or offer any gas perks for spending money with them?
6. Know the difference between Manufacturers coupons and Store coupons.  Manufacturers coupons are put out by the company that makes the product (General Mills), and the Store coupons are put out by the store (Rainbow Foods.)  The importance of this?  Although you will only be able to use one coupon per item purchased, you can usually use one Store coupon AND one Manufacturer’s coupon… hence, double the savings!
7. Pay close attention to the size, brand, type of item specified on the coupon.  You don’t want to be like me and pick out the wrong thing.  If you’re in doubt, match the UPC number that’s on the coupon to the barcode on the item.
8. You always want to try to pair your coupons with in-store sales.  Let’s say I’m buying something that’s regularly $5.  If it’s marked down to $3, and I have a coupon for $1 off, I got something that’s regularly $5 for $2!  Boom!  That’s over half off right there!  But it gets better. Does your store have a day in which they will double or even triple the value of a manufacturer’s coupon? Rainbow does, (which I believe is the only store in my area that does this at all, which is why it’s hard to coupon in Minnesota) and it’s Wednesday.  They will double up to 5 manufacturer’s coupons UP TO $1 value per transaction.  So take my item from #6.  Instead of getting my $1 off, that coupon would double to $2, and then I would be paying $1 for a regularly $5 item.  Way cool.
9. Sometimes, you have to do more than one transaction in a trip to save the most money.  Typically I do two every week, which is what Rainbow allows.
10. Buy stuff when it’s on sale, or when you have coupons for it, and then stock up!  I’m not saying buy 50, but if you can get 3 or 4 of something for a good price, go for it!  Things usually go on sale in cycles, so get stuff when the deal is hot! 
11. BOGO (Buy one get one) is an automatic way to save 50%.  Watch for meat sales like this! 
12. Challenge yourself to find things you can get for free, or next to nothing!  Pairing the right sale with the right coupon, can make it possible to still buy things like fresh fruit and vegetables for full price without throwing the 50% savings curve.

It may take you some time to really get going with this, but honestly I put in little effort and it really pays off.  It’s made life a lot more comfortable for us.  I am no pro, and I still can get a lot better at this.  BUT, I am saving us a ton of money and there’s no reason you can’t do the same!  Don’t expect a miracle your first time.  It takes time to familiarize yourself with the prices of things, how often they go on sale, and the right flow for you.  But hey, like they say, “a penny saved is a penny earned!”  Thanks to coupons, I now get my hair done, wear nice (enough) clothes and we have a little money to spend here and there on date nights! 

Happy Shopping!

You are what you eat…. A non-serious but gross reminder for unexpecting parents

This is my VERY first blog post. Unfortunately, it’s going to be a gross one. Motherhood can be really gross sometimes, and very early this morning I was rudely awakened with a remider as to why.

We live in Minnesota, and currently at this very moment it is -6 degrees outside. And that is not including the windchill. Needless to say, in this kind of weather, getting sick is inevitable, especially when you have two young boys (2 and 5) that constantly need activity. For this reason we have spent a good part of the last few weeks in a favorite public playplace for kids, which I call the “petri dish” of the north metro. So next to follow (obviously) was the family getting hit with the common cold.

Now I must say that I am beyond thankful that this was not the terrible flu going around. We were vaccinized for this a few weeks ago. But it was a cold that somehow seemed to hit me the hardest, being pregnant.  But it also got my (almost) 5 year old.  Not quite as bad as me, but regardless, it hit last Tuesday like a ton of bricks, and we all know the cycle… starts with the sore throat, then a few days of feeling totally miserable followed by a few days of stuffy nose then a few days of cough then you’re good, right? You clean the house, wash allllll the sheets, blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, and antibacterialize everything and wash your hands of that inconvenience and it’s on to bigger and better things…. except… “Hey mom! You forgot one thing!!!! The mucus pukes.”

The dreaded mucus pukes. I always forget that while I blow my nose when I’m sick, and get rid of all of this gross stuff, the boys just sniff and swallow, cough and swallow and for the last two or three days, it’s done nothing but build up. Until this morning, when my 5 year old managed to upchuck all over his clean bed, comforter, pillow, stuffed animals, 3 different outfits, our bed, comforter…. well you get it. EVERYWHERE.

So, I learned my lesson. Every time I think it’s time to clean up after a cold, take a whole day to clean and wash everything… WAIT. JUST WAIT a few more days. Otherwise the mucus pukes might get you too. Ironically, after spending 5 hours this morning getting everything all cleaned up and washed, I took a much needed shower and afterwards I hopped out to see that the little daily bathroom calendar heading for today, 1/22/2013 was “You are what you eat.” If you do nothing but eat boogers for a week, this is what you get.  Remember that, little man.